At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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