Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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