ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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