the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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