She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
