I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I want to fling myself into the sun
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
