Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
