Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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