I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
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