i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
