I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
