I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
