It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
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