Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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