At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
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