from now on my penis is your penis
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
third nipple confirmed
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
