Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
