youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
We have started to decorate penises.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
