Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
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