i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
