o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
