Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
