she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Randomize
