I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Randomize
