she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
