Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
