if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
