I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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