I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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