when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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