Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
