Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
