Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
