Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Randomize
