Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Randomize
