Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
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