Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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