Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
