thus making me awesome and them whores
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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