We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
