My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
