Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
My bed smells like the plague
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
