i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
