Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
