I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Randomize
