Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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