I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Randomize
