I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
tell me about the fingering
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
