mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Randomize
