u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
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