Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
I smell like Dick and happiness
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
