By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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