All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize